Rohini Nilenkani opened the session by setting a context on the state of men in India and globally. She mentioned that 90% of inmates in Indian jails are men, with approximately 70% not even under trial. She stated that young boys are abused more often than girls across the world and that the phenomenon of young boys dropping out of school to support their families is more widespread than for girls. Rohini was joined by Dilip Pattubala, Kartikeyan V, and Sonora Jha on the panel to talk about the topic.

She opened the question to Kartikeyan V who wrote the book “The Good boy Syndrome” and asked on his thoughts on what is happening to the Good Boy of India? He brought to light the performative role that men must live with and described the “Dharma Sankat” men experience in navigating their belonging to a culture, society, and nation, and the shame that accompanies any digression.

Kartikeyan V explored the dichotomy of the I versus. Me syndrome that men face – the Agentic I, which takes agency for his decisions, versus the objectified me, which carries the patriarchal culture and constantly seeks approval from the larger structure. He asserted that fear brews within these structures of family and societal expectations. He commented that recognizing these fears requires asking boys: “In what way have I become a stranger to myself?” and questioning whether they use their agency enough or constantly try to fit the image of being “Laayak” (worthy) at the cost of their free will.

Dilip Pattubala, who has established the centre for boys and men, contributed his view that he wants to build conversations around what men fear and open up spaces where they can question old notions and learn new ways of living. He discussed the patterned and predictable systems that trap men. He commented that the biggest sense of self-worth for men stems from the work they do, but as work becomes more unpredictable, temporary, and fragile, they struggle to find their dignity. He also stated that with care becoming expensive and men questioning where they belong, they find it difficult to navigate new realities. Dilip opined that change must begin in micro-structures like home and school, where societal conditioning needs a relook, and the pressure on how boys show up must be made easier.

Rohini then prompted the panellists to share their views on the male roles of provider, protector, and procreator, asking if men should still define themselves this way or if more exists.

Kartikeyan V opined that while this represents one side of masculinity, men should also open to the other side: their Agentic side, owning their agency and recognizing that their Voice has meaning beyond the performative roles they play.

Dilip Pattubala added that it’s time to change the narrative, remove singular notions, and move beyond just being a protector and provider by opening the context for men to be “This AND That.” This meant being a provider AND a nurturer, and being a protector AND finding his own purpose.

Sonora Jha went on to comment whether men fear that women are advancing and shaping modern men. She said that men were accustomed to a lot of privilege in the past, which they took for granted. Now, they see it being taken away, causing a fear of losing it, which brings insecurity and discomfort based on fear. However, she opined that the goal is not to take away anything, but merely to share it. Jha stated that women are saying, “Pass the mike – we have a shared Voice now.” She concluded that if women are enjoying the privilege of sharing the stage with men, they are also ready to share the load of being a provider, protector, and procreator, but questioned if men are ready to let down the load yet.

The panel concluded with audience questions, specifically highlighting that in an era of fluid gender and LGBTQ, gender is evolving and expectations are changing, making stereotypical role definitions irrelevant. The consensus was that it is time to blur the lines and ensure society does not shame men. The panel asserted that if society has been used to calling Men out, it must start calling them in now.

Disha Bhandari

Disha Bhandari is an Arts & wellness enthusiast, having spent over a decade in corporate leadership roles spanning across marketing and strategy. She is currently working as an arts based mental wellness practitioner curious of the working of the human mind, and how culture and nature impact things at large. She runs a company called Buoyant Living www.buoyantliving.com creating programmes for Individual growth & change in order to bring about a transformation in behaviour and action, which creates an impact on the environment at large. She loves reading, blogging and trekking, and lives in Bangalore.